| The Joke's From the mind of Hippolyta and Her Internet Journeys! | |||||||||||||||||
| Daily Life Jokes | 101 Ways to say no | ||||||||||||||||
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A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. THE NAME GAME It all began with Jose Canyousee. After that, brave and visionary pioneers working in the underappreciated field of punology, risked ostracism and ridicule when they announced to a semi-comatose world their startling discovery of Mr. Izzy Naked and Mr. Dick Hertz. And now, years and many sleepless nights later, the official version of The Name Game has been born, building on this early scholarly work and taking it to a new and much more annoying level. Here's how to play The Name Game: Start with a word like "aluminum." Note that the first syllable is "al," as in the common first name "Al." The rest of the word is the not-so-common surname "Uminum." If you write it out phonetically, which makes it a little easier to pronounce when coming upon it cold, you now have a person by the name of "Al Oominum." If you want to take it a step further, you might be interested in meeting his cousin, Mr. Al Oominumfoil, a very successful professional sandwich-wrapper. Go ahead and try it with the word "microphone" or "testicle." You should get the idea. If not, what are you doing buying a book in the first place? You should be home watching TV, trying to figure out the deeper meaning of MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. While playing The Name Game, we discovered that it's a lot more fun --- and a lot harder to guess the entire name --- when the last name is said first. And, for some reason, it's particularly hysterical when you set up things with a "page." We like the idea of customers hearing, in a cigar store: "Paging Mr. Madoar . . . Mr. Hugh Madoar." Or, in a Middle Eastern restaurant, diners listening to someone say: "Paging Mr. Tillsoup . . . Mr. Len Tillsoup." So, that's the way we've set up most of the names in this book. If you're looking for Mr. Wade Ingroom, you'll find him being paged in a hospital. If you're searching for Mr. Al Coholick, you'll probably hear him paged at the Betty Ford Clinic. The Name Game can be played by anyone, anywhere, at any time. You can play it while you dine outdoors (just ask Mr. Fresco . . . Mr. Al Fresco) or while you're in a garden( check it out with Ms. Gold . . . Ms. Mary Gold). You don't have to be rich ( confirmed by the hardworking Ms.Torr . . . Ms. Janet Torr) or popular (if you can find him, ask Mr. Ittaire . . . Mr. Sol Ittaire) or even sane (speak to Ms. Neeyack . . . Ms. Mae Neeyack). The Name Game does not contain, by any means, a definitive list of names or categories. We know that there is no end to the possibilities, but we reached the end of our rope. One more day of listmaking and we'd be checking into the Bates Motel, sharing a room with Mr. Kottick . . . Mr. Sy Kottick. Now it's up to you. The future of The Name Game is in your hands. Just be careful. This does tend to be addictive. So, when you wake up at 3:00 in the morning, turn on the light, poke your snoring spouse and say, " I've got it! Paging Mr. Antsleep . . . Mr. Ike Antsleep," don't say we didn't warn you.It all began with Jose Canyousee. After that, brave and visionary pioneers working in the underappreciated field of punology, risked ostracism and ridicule when they announced to a semi-comatose world their startling discovery of Mr. Izzy Naked and Mr. Dick Hertz. And now, years and many sleepless nights later, the official version of The Name Game has been born, building on this early scholarly work and taking it to a new and much more annoying level. Here's how to play The Name Game: Start with a word like "aluminum." Note that the first syllable is "al," as in the common first name "Al." The rest of the word is the not-so-common surname "Uminum." If you write it out phonetically, which makes it a little easier to pronounce when coming upon it cold, you now have a person by the name of "Al Oominum." If you want to take it a step further, you might be interested in meeting his cousin, Mr. Al Oominumfoil, a very successful professional sandwich-wrapper. Go ahead and try it with the word "microphone" or "testicle." You should get the idea. If not, what are you doing buying a book in the first place? You should be home watching TV, trying to figure out the deeper meaning of MARRIED WITH CHILDREN. While playing The Name Game, we discovered that it's a lot more fun --- and a lot harder to guess the entire name --- when the last name is said first. And, for some reason, it's particularly hysterical when you set up things with a "page." We like the idea of customers hearing, in a cigar store: "Paging Mr. Madoar . . . Mr. Hugh Madoar." Or, in a Middle Eastern restaurant, diners listening to someone say: "Paging Mr. Tillsoup . . . Mr. Len Tillsoup." So, that's the way we've set up most of the names in this book. If you're looking for Mr. Wade Ingroom, you'll find him being paged in a hospital. If you're searching for Mr. Al Coholick, you'll probably hear him paged at the Betty Ford Clinic. The Name Game can be played by anyone, anywhere, at any time. You can play it while you dine outdoors (just ask Mr. Fresco . . . Mr. Al Fresco) or while you're in a garden( check it out with Ms. Gold . . . Ms. Mary Gold). You don't have to be rich ( confirmed by the hardworking Ms.Torr . . . Ms. Janet Torr) or popular (if you can find him, ask Mr. Ittaire . . . Mr. Sol Ittaire) or even sane (speak to Ms. Neeyack . . . Ms. Mae Neeyack). The Name Game does not contain, by any means, a definitive list of names or categories. We know that there is no end to the possibilities, but we reached the end of our rope. One more day of listmaking and we'd be checking into the Bates Motel, sharing a room with Mr. Kottick . . . Mr. Sy Kottick. Now it's up to you. The future of The Name Game is in your hands. Just be careful. This does tend to be addictive. So, when you wake up at 3:00 in the morning, turn on the light, poke your snoring spouse and say, " I've got it! Paging Mr. Antsleep . . . Mr. Ike Antsleep," don't say we didn't warn you. E-mail me with more |
I'd love to, but... 1 I have to floss my cat. 2 I've dedicated my life to linguini. 3 I want to spend more time with my blender. 4 the President said he might drop in. 5 the man on television told me to say tuned. 6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 8 it's my parakeet's bowling night. 9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 10 I'm building a pig from a kit. 11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. 13 there's a disturbance in the Force. 14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. 16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. 19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 20 my crayons all melted together. 21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 22 I'm in training to be a household pest. 23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled. 24 my patent is pending. 25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 26 I'm sandblasting my oven. 27 I'm worried about my vertical hold. 28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 29 I'm being deported. 30 the grunion are running. 31 I'll be looking for a parking space. 32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. 33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 35 I have to fluff my shower cap. 36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. 38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 39 my plot to take over the world is thickening. 40 I have to fulfill my potential. 41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 42 it's too close to the turn of the century. 43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 44 my subconscious says no. 45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. 46 I left my body in my other clothes. 47 the last time I went, I never came back. 48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting. 49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 50 none of my socks match. 51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. 52 I'm having all my plants neutered. 53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. 54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." 56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. 57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky. 58 I'm touring China with a wok band. 59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 60 I never go out on days that end in "Y." 61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it. 62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism. 63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down. 64 I'm too old/young for that stuff. 65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair. 66 I have too much guilt. 67 there are important world issues that need worrying about. 68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 71 I feel a song coming on. 72 I'm trying to be less popular. 73 my bathroom tiles need grouting. 74 I have to bleach my hare. 75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons. 77 you know how we psychos are. 78 my favorite commercial is on TV. 79 I have to study for a blood test. 80 I'm going to be old someday. 81 I've been traded to Cincinnati. 82 I'm observing National Apathy Week. 83 I have to rotate my crops. 84 my uncle escaped again. 85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup. 86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. 87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 88 I have to go to court for kitty littering. 89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. 91 having fun gives me prickly heat. 92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. 93 I have to jog my memory. 94 my palm reader advised against it. 95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then. 96 I have to stay home and see if I snore. 97 I prefer to remain an enigma. 98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] . 99 I have to sit up with a sick ant. 100 I'm trying to cut down. 101 ... well, maybe.I'd love to, but... 1 I have to floss my cat. 2 I've dedicated my life to linguini. 3 I want to spend more time with my blender. 4 the President said he might drop in. 5 the man on television told me to say tuned. 6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 8 it's my parakeet's bowling night. 9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 10 I'm building a pig from a kit. 11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. 13 there's a disturbance in the Force. 14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. 16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. 19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 20 my crayons all melted together. 21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 22 I'm in training to be a household pest. 23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled. 24 my patent is pending. 25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 26 I'm sandblasting my oven. 27 I'm worried about my vertical hold. 28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 29 I'm being deported. 30 the grunion are running. 31 I'll be looking for a parking space. 32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. 33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 35 I have to fluff my shower cap. 36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. 38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 39 my plot to take over the world is thickening. 40 I have to fulfill my potential. 41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 42 it's too close to the turn of the century. 43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 44 my subconscious says no. 45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. 46 I left my body in my other clothes. 47 the last time I went, I never came back. 48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting. 49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 50 none of my socks match. 51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. 52 I'm having all my plants neutered. 53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. 54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." 56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. 57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky. 58 I'm touring China with a wok band. 59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 60 I never go out on days that end in "Y." 61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it. 62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism. 63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down. 64 I'm too old/young for that stuff. 65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair. 66 I have too much guilt. 67 there are important world issues that need worrying about. 68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 71 I feel a song coming on. 72 I'm trying to be less popular. 73 my bathroom tiles need grouting. 74 I have to bleach my hare. 75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons. 77 you know how we psychos are. 78 my favorite commercial is on TV. 79 I have to study for a blood test. 80 I'm going to be old someday. 81 I've been traded to Cincinnati. 82 I'm observing National Apathy Week. 83 I have to rotate my crops. 84 my uncle escaped again. 85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup. 86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. 87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 88 I have to go to court for kitty littering. 89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. 91 having fun gives me prickly heat. 92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. 93 I have to jog my memory. 94 my palm reader advised against it. 95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then. 96 I have to stay home and see if I snore. 97 I prefer to remain an enigma. 98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] . 99 I have to sit up with a sick ant. 100 I'm trying to cut down. 101 ... well, maybe. | ||||||||||||||||
| Slogans for Condom week | |||||||||||||||||
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�1. Cover your stump before you hump. �2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper. �3. Don't be silly, protect your willy. �4. When in doubt, shroud your spout. �5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. �6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong. �7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it. �8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey. �9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize. �10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter. �11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick �12. If you go into heat, package your meat. �13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis. �14. When you take of her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse. �15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member. �16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker. �17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool. �18. The right selection! Protect your erection. �19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. �20. A crank with armor will never harm her. �21. If yo really love her, wear a cover. �22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake. �23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. �24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket. �25. No glove, No love. �26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy. �27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke. �28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee. �29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody. | |||||||||||||||||
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